Does Bradley Cooper’s facial expression ring true with you? Then you know how it feels to be truly, appallingly, horrifically hungover. Your second stop, after the toilet, will most likely be the nearest source of nutrients. But next time you’ve had one too many moisties, take the time to consider your choice of food with my handy dandy list.
10. Subway Steak and Cheese Footlong
The self-proclaimed “athlete’s training restaurant” is neither a restaurant, nor would it be used as an official component of any professional athlete’s training regime. But despite this deceit, they can actually pull off a decent sandwich. If you want something satisfying, and the illusion of healthiness which will have some mental payoff after a night of heavy substance abuse, Subway’s your answer. Take my advice – leave that “seven grams of fat or less” crap on the shelf, and load up with the Steak & Cheese Footlong. What salad ingredients you get are irrelevant; the non-negotiables are cheese, steak and Southwest Sauce. Eat fresh indeed.
9. Grand Angus Meal with 10 Nuggets
This truly is McDonalds royalty. No doubt the result of decades of in-depth research and development, the Grand Angus is as elegant a McDonalds burger as you’re likely to find, with a decent heft of beef in the middle, lettuce, red onion, cheese and tomato, along with a signature lashing of “special sauce”. It’s a real flavour sensation, and in my opinion has no peer on the menu. To kill those alcohol aftermath-related food cravings completely, make it a large meal and add 10 nuggets on the side with a sauce of your choosing, and shove a handful of chips into the burger for an impromptu KFC-inspired Tower Burger.
8. Nando’s Tenderloins Meal + 2 Extra Tenderloins
It should go without saying, but what makes Nando’s great is the chicken. I still wonder why I see people in there with their “corn on the cob” or “spicy rice”. When you’re hangers, you go the loins, no ifs, whys or buts about it. It’s a distillation of everything you like about Nando’s: that’s chicken and sauce. Where are the carbs? Let me direct your attention to the imposing lake of chips on your plate. If you’ve ever dined in at Nando’s, you know they pile the chips sky high, and they don’t stop until every little bit of immaculate white china is covered in sauce, chip, chicken or all three. Take my advice and add two extra tenderloins for a total of six – you won’t regret it.
7. Chicken Kebab with Double Meat and The Lot
A staple choice of drunkards across the globe, the humble kebab is still hard to beat when it comes to high-calorie deliciousness; this take on it is just the King of Kebab Kingdom. Packed with salads, twice the meat, cheese, egg, maybe a cheecky bit of tabouli, and sauce, it’s one of the few meals you could struggle to get through in a single sitting regardless of state of mind. Garlic and Satay are my sauces of choice. I recommend Ararats in Crawley or City Kebabs near Amplifier Bar.
6. Elixir BLT
Sometimes it’s the simplest things that do the trick, and the basics are done damn well at Elixir in Chelsea Village Nedlands, whether it’s their coffees, cupcakes or brekkies. However, don’t leave without having consumed a BLT. Generously portioned, it’s seen a few variations over the years, and has at different times featured an astonishing beetroot jam, mustard aioli, egg or avocado. But the essentials are always in there, and it’s never less than excellent. If you can haul your sorry arse out of bed early you’ll avoid a long wait and queues.
5. Peter’s Butcher Pie
Peter’s Butcher is renowned as one of the better butchers in the Western Suburbs of Perth. But the hidden gems here are their pies. With a host of fillings on offer, made using quality chicken, lamb and beef sourced from some of the nation’s best suppliers, each one makes an absolute mockery of anything you’ll find at Jesters. Don’t even talk to me about Mrs Mac’s or Four ‘n’ Twenty either. If it ain’t a Peter’s Butcher Pie, take it back. Don’t forget to request sauce when you order.
4. Guzman Y Gomez Chicken Burrito
The Mexican food fad has caught on like the Black Plague in Perth. Luckily this plague is delicious, and the latest strain is the best yet: Eastern States heavyweights Guzman y Gomez. In my opinion do the best burrito of the major chains. Though you’re not likely to care, they chargrill their chicken to order, which gives it a little extra smokiness that you can’t really get from food that’s been sitting in a bain-marie for hours. The freshness of the salads kicks things along, and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll add that guacamole and hot sauce for a true Mexican experience.
3. Jus Burgers Spanish Snag
For me, this is the best beef burger on Perth’s best burger joint’s menu. Justin Bell takes pride in his fresh, local produce-driven eateries, and it shows in the burger quality. Though it’s probably the least healthy burger on their menu, that’s probably a bonus after a night on the tins, and will only serve to further ease your pain. It’s got Jus’ trademark thick beef patty, cooked to medium perfection, along with a nice helping of quality chorizo for extra meatiness you can really get your teeth into. The roast peppers add a wonderful sweetness for something different to your run of the mill fast food.
2. Sayers Big Breakfast
Sure, you’ll be $22 poorer at the very least. But you’ll get arguably Perth’s best big breakfast in return, with a little bit of everything to fill that empty stomach. Bread, eggs done your way, potato cake, sausage, bacon, mushrooms with pesto and grilled tomato… it’s everything you want, with the option of more too. I like to add extra Italian sausage. Sayers is proof that sometimes, wholesome, quality food is the answer to your deadly headache and regrets…
1. Hungry Jack’s Ultimate Double Whopper
…and sometimes it isn’t. With the dubious honour of being Australia’s most unhealthy fast food item, the Ultimate Double Whopper has been a favourite of mine since its questionable introduction as a permanent menu item many years ago. And while its negative effects on the human body can’t be ignored, neither can the sheer flavour bonanza it somehow packs between two pieces of dodgy bread. Two pieces of beef, two pieces of cheese, a few rashers of bacon and some token vegetables smothered in that trademark blend of mayonnaise and tomato sauce; it’s everything Hungry Jack’s stands for, crammed together for you to subsequently cram into your cramhole.