Reviewman Countdown 2 – Under-Recognised YouTube Gems

Some people have fame they don’t deserve.  Kim Kardashian comes to mind.  Miley Cyrus practically invented the category.  And Psy is the modern day personification of talentless millionaire.  But then there are other things that go through life WITHOUT gaining the recognition they deserve.  Each video on the following list of YouTube clips has had well under a million views, yet have given me more laughs than some of the all-time classics.  I’m just trying to give credit where it’s due by sharing them with you.

10.       Hayden Crozier Takes What Could Be Mark of the Year

As a proud member of the Purple Haze, there was always going to be for a Fremantle Docker on here.  But this is no cheap plug for my favourite sports team.  Some context: in 2011, many AFL players took marks.  Furthermore, many were outstanding, including those taken by eventual Mark of the Year winner Andrew Krakouer and runner up Andrew Walker.  However, for me none came close to the mark taken by Victorian teenager Hayden Crozier playing for Vic Metro against Western Australia in the under 18 championships.  The outrageous height of the grab is just one aspect of it.  The distance he had to run to get there.  The acceleration to get there in time.  The composure to get straight up and dispose effectively to a teammate, setting up a shot on goal.  The fact that the ball was spinning unpredictably in the air.  Incredible.

9.         Creepy Cricket Fan Brady Bunch Edition

By now most of you will have seen the Creepy Cricket Fan – the strange individual who steps into frame during a shot of the crowd at a cricket match, and stares down the camera.  If you haven’t you’re missing out.  This takes it to a whole new level.  Brady Bunch opening credits knowledge is recommended to get the most out of this.

8.         I’m An Individual – Mark Jacko Jackson

There existed a time when to get a Top 15 single in Australia, all you had to do was be a relatively competent AFL player, yell inexplicable lyrics at a microphone, and do a dance that involves swinging your fists in circles and spinning around with the apparent aim of destroying everything in your path in a rage.  This videoclip is proof that such a time did in fact exist, courtesy of Mark Jackson.  In the chorus, Jackson states “I’m an individual, you can’t fool me”, which is interesting, as I’m unaware of there being any scientifically-established correlation between individuality and the ability to be fooled.  Outrageous.

7.         Stephen Milne Tip Rat Triple M Commentary

This is what AFL broadcasts need more of.  James Brayshaw may appear to be a relatively mild-mannered gentleman.  He’s the president of North Melbourne Football Club – it’s his JOB to be a relatively mild-mannered gentleman.  But put a microphone in front of him, whack him in a commentary box with his mates and turn on the footy, and he mutates into the game’s best caller.  This is a man effectively given the licence to say whatever he pleases on free to air radio, a fact best exemplified by this highlight reel of banter during a game between St Kilda and Adelaide.  On field, this match was highlighted by eight goals from Saints forward Stephen Milne.  Off field though, Brayshaw outshone even that display, with endlessly quotable lines referencing Milne that never get old.  And the “Tip Rat munching on a carcass” sound effects?  Timeless.

6.         The Mighty Boosh/And That’s Why I Can’t Go For That

The Mighty Boosh is renowned for being weird.  And even the Spirit of Jazz: with his flaming top hat, and Old Gregg: a borderline sexually deviant Baileys-loving sea monster, seem as interesting as an empty lunchbox compared to old mate Bob Fossil.  His bizarre mannerisms are summed up in this bite sized clip that doesn’t just feature an awesomely iconic piece of 80s music genius.  It features the single best dance in human history, finished off by a truly astonishing punch line.

5.         Gimme Back My Son Remix

If your child was kidnapped and held to ransom, you wouldn’t laugh about it.  And when I saw Ron Howard’s Mel Gibson-driven film Ransom, I can’t remember laughing too often.  Which is why legendary clip remixer Swede Mason’s mash-up of lines from the film is so good.  It somehow makes serious scenes in a serious movie on a serious topic hilarious and, dare I say it, catchy.  There’s some talent on display here that some DJs would kill for too.

4.         What playing Cricket looks like to Americans

This one could swing either way depending how patient you are (5+ minute length).  But if you like weird stuff, and were brought up on a diet of Monty Python and British absurdity of that ilk, you’ll find this absolutely hilarious.  My sources tell me this is actually a clip from a Dutch variety show, but that’s neither here nor there.  What we have here is a strange combination of cricket, Frisbee, a short distance sprint, chess played on a field with a saloon door and a rugby referee, narrated by commentary that alternates between English and absolute jibberish.  Very curious.

3.         Dillon, You Son of a Bitch

In the future, all people will greet each other in this way.  Simultaneously a celebration of mateship, superhuman strength and the acting talents of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Carl Weathers, it’s a piece of cinematographic genius that we sadly see very rarely these days.  My current favourite Schwarzenegger scene.

2.         Nicolas Cage Teaches the Alphabet

Nicolas Cage must be the most successful crazy people of all time.  If anyone else had tried to act out this scene (was he even acting?) I have no doubt they would have failed.  No one does stark raving mad quite like Mr. Cage, and it all comes together deliciously well in this scene from Vampire’s Kiss.  This version includes helpful visual depictions of all 26 letters of the English alphabet, so in a way this is the only video on this list suitable for kids.

1.         Devil’s Clay by Billy Bunks

I don’t care much for Aussie Hip Hop.  Never have.  Never will.  But I’ve got PLENTY of time for this number from obscure Aussie Hip Hopper Billy Bunks.  This is nothing more and nothing less than the video clip of a song about a man talking about climbing onto a roof, taking a shit, and throwing it at people.  Needless to say, parental guidance is advised, but if you can cop a bit of foul language (there will be C Bombs), your life will be all the better for it.  Where would I be without the line: “Youse did not ask for the fruits of my arse but you copped ‘em”?  Probably somewhere more productive, financially viable and respectable, but I still like that line.


Reviewman Countdown 1 – Best Hangover Feeds

Does Bradley Cooper’s facial expression ring true with you? Then you know how it feels to be truly, appallingly, horrifically hungover. Your second stop, after the toilet, will most likely be the nearest source of nutrients. But next time you’ve had one too many moisties, take the time to consider your choice of food with my handy dandy list.

10. Subway Steak and Cheese Footlong

The self-proclaimed “athlete’s training restaurant” is neither a restaurant, nor would it be used as an official component of any professional athlete’s training regime. But despite this deceit, they can actually pull off a decent sandwich. If you want something satisfying, and the illusion of healthiness which will have some mental payoff after a night of heavy substance abuse, Subway’s your answer. Take my advice – leave that “seven grams of fat or less” crap on the shelf, and load up with the Steak & Cheese Footlong. What salad ingredients you get are irrelevant; the non-negotiables are cheese, steak and Southwest Sauce. Eat fresh indeed.

9. Grand Angus Meal with 10 Nuggets

This truly is McDonalds royalty. No doubt the result of decades of in-depth research and development, the Grand Angus is as elegant a McDonalds burger as you’re likely to find, with a decent heft of beef in the middle, lettuce, red onion, cheese and tomato, along with a signature lashing of “special sauce”. It’s a real flavour sensation, and in my opinion has no peer on the menu. To kill those alcohol aftermath-related food cravings completely, make it a large meal and add 10 nuggets on the side with a sauce of your choosing, and shove a handful of chips into the burger for an impromptu KFC-inspired Tower Burger.

8. Nando’s Tenderloins Meal + 2 Extra Tenderloins

It should go without saying, but what makes Nando’s great is the chicken. I still wonder why I see people in there with their “corn on the cob” or “spicy rice”. When you’re hangers, you go the loins, no ifs, whys or buts about it. It’s a distillation of everything you like about Nando’s: that’s chicken and sauce. Where are the carbs? Let me direct your attention to the imposing lake of chips on your plate. If you’ve ever dined in at Nando’s, you know they pile the chips sky high, and they don’t stop until every little bit of immaculate white china is covered in sauce, chip, chicken or all three. Take my advice and add two extra tenderloins for a total of six – you won’t regret it.

7. Chicken Kebab with Double Meat and The Lot

A staple choice of drunkards across the globe, the humble kebab is still hard to beat when it comes to high-calorie deliciousness; this take on it is just the King of Kebab Kingdom. Packed with salads, twice the meat, cheese, egg, maybe a cheecky bit of tabouli, and sauce, it’s one of the few meals you could struggle to get through in a single sitting regardless of state of mind. Garlic and Satay are my sauces of choice. I recommend Ararats in Crawley or City Kebabs near Amplifier Bar.

6. Elixir BLT

Sometimes it’s the simplest things that do the trick, and the basics are done damn well at Elixir in Chelsea Village Nedlands, whether it’s their coffees, cupcakes or brekkies. However, don’t leave without having consumed a BLT. Generously portioned, it’s seen a few variations over the years, and has at different times featured an astonishing beetroot jam, mustard aioli, egg or avocado. But the essentials are always in there, and it’s never less than excellent. If you can haul your sorry arse out of bed early you’ll avoid a long wait and queues.
5. Peter’s Butcher Pie
Peter’s Butcher is renowned as one of the better butchers in the Western Suburbs of Perth. But the hidden gems here are their pies. With a host of fillings on offer, made using quality chicken, lamb and beef sourced from some of the nation’s best suppliers, each one makes an absolute mockery of anything you’ll find at Jesters. Don’t even talk to me about Mrs Mac’s or Four ‘n’ Twenty either. If it ain’t a Peter’s Butcher Pie, take it back. Don’t forget to request sauce when you order.
4. Guzman Y Gomez Chicken Burrito
The Mexican food fad has caught on like the Black Plague in Perth. Luckily this plague is delicious, and the latest strain is the best yet: Eastern States heavyweights Guzman y Gomez. In my opinion do the best burrito of the major chains. Though you’re not likely to care, they chargrill their chicken to order, which gives it a little extra smokiness that you can’t really get from food that’s been sitting in a bain-marie for hours. The freshness of the salads kicks things along, and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll add that guacamole and hot sauce for a true Mexican experience.
3. Jus Burgers Spanish Snag
For me, this is the best beef burger on Perth’s best burger joint’s menu. Justin Bell takes pride in his fresh, local produce-driven eateries, and it shows in the burger quality. Though it’s probably the least healthy burger on their menu, that’s probably a bonus after a night on the tins, and will only serve to further ease your pain. It’s got Jus’ trademark thick beef patty, cooked to medium perfection, along with a nice helping of quality chorizo for extra meatiness you can really get your teeth into. The roast peppers add a wonderful sweetness for something different to your run of the mill fast food.
2. Sayers Big Breakfast
Sure, you’ll be $22 poorer at the very least. But you’ll get arguably Perth’s best big breakfast in return, with a little bit of everything to fill that empty stomach. Bread, eggs done your way, potato cake, sausage, bacon, mushrooms with pesto and grilled tomato… it’s everything you want, with the option of more too. I like to add extra Italian sausage. Sayers is proof that sometimes, wholesome, quality food is the answer to your deadly headache and regrets…
1. Hungry Jack’s Ultimate Double Whopper
…and sometimes it isn’t. With the dubious honour of being Australia’s most unhealthy fast food item, the Ultimate Double Whopper has been a favourite of mine since its questionable introduction as a permanent menu item many years ago. And while its negative effects on the human body can’t be ignored, neither can the sheer flavour bonanza it somehow packs between two pieces of dodgy bread. Two pieces of beef, two pieces of cheese, a few rashers of bacon and some token vegetables smothered in that trademark blend of mayonnaise and tomato sauce; it’s everything Hungry Jack’s stands for, crammed together for you to subsequently cram into your cramhole.